I'm not well.

I’m not too well. I have had CLL for a number of years which is a chronic blood cancer. In most cases people would not need treatment but unfortunately in my case, over the summer my white blood count started to rise and my lymph nodes were showing signs of stress. After a CT scan it was decided to give me a 6 month course of Chemotherapy. Within a week of the news I was signed off work and started the course.
The response from the school and the church has been overwhelming. We are really being looked after and God has been very good to us. As can be imagined I am having to do a lot of life processing and am not finding this easy.
The first month from my point of view was a nightmare but from the doctors’ point of view was a resounding success. I responded remarkably well to the treatment, so well they had to admit me into hospital where I was in an isolation ward for a week. The doctors’ enthusiasm was not contagious. However they have halved the dose of one of the drugs as a result. I am very lucky in one sense as the treatment I am undergoing has only recently been licensed for CLL. It involves me being infused with Anti Bodies for a day which latch onto and destroy weakened cells then for five days I take tablets which are the Chemo tablets. They weaken the cells. I will probably need to do this five times and by the end of December will be starting my third cycle.
Where is God in all of this? Well in the first place I am having to review my life when I jolly well ought to have been anyway and was a fool not to. And then he has opened my eyes to the remarkable love people have for me and my family which is overwhelming; I don’t think I had realised what incredible privilege it is to be to be amongst people who really genuinely and self sacrificially care about you.
Another thing that has happened is that I have seen other people’s suffering close up and personal which is always salutary especially when you see the dedication and the hard work of those whose job it is to care.
Finally I’ve learned that God expresses his love in ways we don’t expect.
To be honest I have been a mental wreck but found that I had been prepared for the things that would scare me the most. For most of my life I have had the conviction that I had a blood disease as child and that I was alright because of injections I had in my stomach. Three years ago I asked my parents about this as I thought it might give me clues about my CLL. They said no such thing had ever happened.
I was quite confused as I had actually filled in forms stating that I had had a blood disease in my childhood, believing it to be a fact. Guess what? When I was in hospital, to stimulate my immune system which had gone to nearly zero they injected hormones into my stomach tissue.
Following on the second cycle I basically had had two days before the treatment began when I was not well and felt that I was going into another month of hell. When I got to the hospital I was in a state of fear. As I sat in the chair I’m afraid to say I broke down. I was taken into a side room for reassurance.
For the first time the medical staff talked to me from my end of things. It was a very broken time. Whilst the nurse went to make me a cup of tea a text came in to my phone. Susan from Cambridge texted to ask what was wrong. She had set to praying and had felt a deep sense of sorrow as she thought of me, so much so that she could not stop crying. But there was no fear.
This was so encouraging because as far as I was concerned at that moment God was on holiday. She then sent me some amazing Psalm’s to read which I did and which I also had on my iPod to listen to. Again I was overwhelmed but with peace and joy. The amazing thing was all the sense of sickness and fear evaporated and I was able to continue with the treatment.
I suppose for me this was a huge encouragement and testimony to a God who is alive and tracking even in our darkest moments. It also revealed his character; Susan had stopped her very busy and stressful schedule, preparing for Carin’s annual heart review to pour herself out for me. This is love.
Everywhere we look in creation we see suffering and evil, most of which is caused by us and I believe all of which is our fault, but if we scratch the surface we find overwhelming selflessness and goodness in its very fabric waiting to be restored. One of the things I realised is the greatest suffering I cause is my indifference to others and the cheap words I speak. I sometimes wonder if on a daily basis this hurt outweighs the very obvious suffering there is in the world.
Any questions? Try Alpha. I was only able to do three sessions this year before I was whisked away, but I can recommend it as a good place to start and never a waste of time. I can’t see how you can get on with life and enjoy it based on a probably. Do you know, some people believe that as a result of the Humanist Society’s bus campaign the number of people attending Alpha increased? One leading Christian think tank actually helped fund it as they felt it had such a positive effect on Church attendance!
Ok, this year might not be going to be that great, and we never know what might be round the corner, but hang on to the good things, add them up and see how blessed you are, then with the joy gained, make the world a better place for others and restore the gleam to creation.
Love Emlyn